When Thinking About Death, Bring the Wine...

If you’ve watched NBC’s This Is Us, you know about Randall’s “Worst Case Scenario” game that allows him to rapid-fire all his fears aloud in the hopes that listing them will make him feel better. 

• He plays it with his wife, Beth, to articulate concern about their foster child, Déjà. “I’m afraid she’ll kill us in our sleep."
• He plays it with his brother, Kevin, to project his anxieties over their family dynamics: “What if after Dad died, I got so absorbed in my own life that I stopped looking out for my sister?”

I’m not sure if this is a healthy practice or not, but in recent days, I’ve been playing Randall’s game to consider my own fears around death.

In studying 2 Peter, I’m struck by the fact that Peter can talk about his impending martyrdom with such ease (2 Peter 1:13-15)—instead of fear for his future, Peter is filled with an urgency that his readers, the church in exile, may “be diligent to be found by [God] without spot or blemish, and at peace” (2 Peter 3:14)

But this is not yet me. I still fear death. So here are my “Worst Case Scenarios”:

1. I fear that I will drown in my car and not be able to save my baby buckled in the back seat (because I’m profoundly claustrophobic and also a mother)
2. I’m afraid that when, in heaven, God asks me, “Why should I let you into my kingdom?” that I’ll choke and say something wrong like, “I served you.” (I am not good at thinking on my feet).
3.  I’m afraid because I’ll have to stand before God alone—and I’m so used to leaning on John (my husband) for strength. (I am complementarian, after all 😏) 

It’s easy enough to find solid, scriptural ways to address these fears:

1. God is sovereign over my life and the lives of our children. He will not leave us (Matthew 7:11; Hebrews 13:5-6).
2. I know that I have a mediator, Jesus, and an advocate, the Holy Spirit, who will plead my case for me. I can rest in Christ’s completed work. (1 Timothy 2:5; John 14:16-18)
3. Alone, yes, but not unclothed. “I will greatly rejoice in the LORD; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels” (Isaiah 61:10). 

And yet, still the anxiety can creep in. I still tense when I cross any of the bridges over the Guadalupe River. I still know some degree of terror at the idea of entering the throne room of the Most Holy to have all my own brokenness laid before Him and the assembly.

It is sobering.

In allowing these fears to roll over me this week, I was struck by an article that, perhaps, can help any of us who long for the courage of Peter to take one step forward—out of fear and into his marvelous light (1 Peter 2:9).

The article is titled, “Don’t Ever Stop Drinking—Water, Milk,and Wine: Three Promises for the Thirsty,” wherein the author, David Mathis, suggests that believers satiate themselves on:

Water for Life

Milk for Strength

and…

Wine for JOY!

Yes! Isn’t this what my explanations had been missing?

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1. I could recognize the lack of ability to save myself from God’s wrath, and so I drink the water for life. (John 4:14)
2. I could recognize the fear in myself to present myself to God as holy, and so I drink the milk for strength. (1 Peter 2:2-3)
3. But, I had deprived myself the wine. I had not recognized my need for delight-- the possibility that, in that throne room, all my deepest, least articulated delights are met. They are “like precious oil on the head, running down on the beard, on the beard of Aaron, running down on the collar of his robes!” (Psalm 133:2)

For me, death still stings but it can be dulled by delight. So, perhaps in spending less time articulating my fears and more time dwelling in my delight, my joy, my Jesus, I will someday find that those fears are washed away. In this way:

1. I celebrate that, one day, I will put off this tent and be with my Jesus, my babies, my John David in the beautiful kingdom, and death will only have been the doorway into my deepest joy.
2. I celebrate that, when seeing Jesus face-to-face, he will welcome me because of his own work for my salvation.
3. I celebrate that my friend, Jesus, awaits and welcomes me to his home amongst the great cloud of witnesses. There, my hope shall be made sight!

“In that day

the mountains shall drip sweet wine,

and the hills shall flow with milk,

and all the streambeds of Judah

shall flow with water.” (Joel 3:18)